Amusing translation of what those phrases that get trotted out time after time actually say about the club.

"All ages" = as if telling someone's age in zombie inspired make up and near dark conditions weren't difficult enough already

"All night long" = or until 2 a.m., when the city's bar closing ordinance kicks in, which ever comes first

"Blisspop" = we made up this genre just to see if you were paying attention to our flyer

"Costume Contest" = be prepared to hear at least three different DJs spin "Everyday is Halloween" and claim they didn't hear it when the other DJs played it

"Dark Alternative" = we have no idea what to call half the songs we're going to play tonight

"Dark/Fetish attire encouraged" = if you pretend to be a goth, we'll pretend to play goth music

"Darkwave" = we think this is somehow related to goth

"Deathrock" (when placed last on the list of music genres) = we'll play that song by the Virgin Prunes, but you have to listen to 3 hrs. of VNV Nation before we get to it

"Deathrock" (when placed first on the list of music genres) = we'll play two Rozz-era Christian Death songs in a row at some point during the evening

"Deathrock/Psychobilly/Horror Punk" = we hope you like songs about zombies, dead girlfriends and spooky things in the woods enough to listen to 4 hours of them

"Deathrock/Punk/Old School Goth" = we firmly believe the only music worth listening to was recorded between 1977 and 1983

"Deathrock/EBM" = never draw up a flyer when you're high on crack

"Deathrock/Metal" - never draw up a flyer when you've doing crystal meth for 5 days straight either

"Dress code is black" = the people who come here don't know enough about Goth to know what to wear so we have to remind them

"Dress to impress" = the court order regarding cameras in the Club was lifted after the lawsuit was settled out of court

"EBM" = like techno, but with less musical ability and more glow sticks.

"80's" = we hope you like "Karma Chameleon" a lot because we have 13 different versions of it

"Electro" = *beep* music

"Enjoy our drink specials" = our landlord turned off the air conditioning so it gets really hot in here

"Ethereal" = we own the entire Cocteau Twins back catalog

"Experimental" = Synth-punk performed by people don't know how to play an instrument, but it sounds classier if we call it "Experimental"

"Fetish wear encouraged" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and a some guy running around with a whip

"$5 cover before 10 p.m." = the cops never show up to raid the place before 11 p.m.

"Free give aways" = we still have lots of "Saw II" and "the Hills Have Eyes" posters left from last year's give away

"Full Bar" = our bar is twice as big as the dance floor

"Futurepop" = music not good enough to be classified as "EBM"

"Glam" = in case you thought deathhawks, ripped t-shirts and torn fishnets were too modest of a fashion statement

"Go Go Girls" = our music will sound better if you're staring at a half naked chick

"Goth" = our DJ knows who Peter Murphy is

"Gothic Industrial" = lots of *oontz oontz* music, latex club wear, and some girl with big, poofy pigtails running around with a couple of glow sticks

"Harsh EBM" = when regular EBM isn't awful enough

"Impressive selection of beer" = just in case anyone ever comes to a Goth club to be impressed by the beer, we've got you covered

"Industrial Decadence" = overweight EBM chicks in midriff baring fetishwear

"Just off the freeway" = we're located next to the abandoned medical waste disposal plant in a section of town not patrolled by police

"Legendary" = selling my soul for a steady club night 23 yrs. ago seemed like such a good idea at the time...

"Live Bands" = real musicians aren't embarrassed to be seen in our club with our patrons

"Mash Ups" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday, but can't figure out how to use it

"New Romantic" = Adam Ant, Duran Duran and, ahhh, ummm, errr.... more Adam Ant and Duran Duran

"Neofolk" = Der Furher's music, unplugged

"No Cover Charge" = our venue is a classic dive bar with a decent sound system

"Nu Wave" = I'm 2 lazy to spel check my flyerz be4 I hand them oot

"Old School Punk" = we specialize in mohawks and mosh pits

"Old School" (genre unspecified) = we bought a crate of vinyl at a garage sale

"Our DJ brings you the best in..." = our DJ will spin whatever his girlfriend left him after they split up

"Old School Goth" = our DJ's roommate went to school with Peter Murphy

"Plenty of available parking" = the neighborhood is so bad that no one is else is willing to park on the streets here

"Powernoise" = we play music so obnoxious that even the rivetheads will complain

"REAL Alternative" = our DJ interned at KROQ

"Remixes" = someone got a Mac with Garage Band for their birthday and figured out how to use it

"Remodeled" = they painted the walls after they were closed down for health code violations

"Request Night" = we got off work late and didn't have time to come up with a proper setlist

"Retro" = Our DJ found a bunch of 80's comps at a second hand store and most of them aren't too badly scratched

"Smoking Patio" = forget about sneaking in through the back exit

"Two dance rooms" = our Gothic Industrial club plays both kinds of music, gothic and industrial

"Underground" = our DJ really likes She Wants Revenge

"Indie" = Our DJ eventually got burned out on She Wants Revenge and is now on an Interpol kick

"Vampire" or "Vampiric" = douchebag or douchebagic

"Vendors" = we have a girl selling bat-themed jewelry and spiderweb necklaces at a table next to the dance floor

"VIP Lounge" = in case the people on the dance floor weren't pretentious enough for you

"We spin vinyl" = our DJs are damn good!

"With a little booty hip hop to mix it up" = no matter how drunk you get, you're going to regret coming here for years to come

"WiFi" = because the only thing geekier than dancing at a Goth club is surfing the web at a Goth club

From: [identity profile]

"Deathrock/Punk/Old School Goth" = we firmly believe the only music worth listening to was recorded between 1977 and 1983

There's something to be said for that...

"WiFi" = because the only thing geekier than dancing at a Goth club is surfing the web at a Goth club

I'm there!

From: [identity profile]

BTW, any chance of beer/coffee/something while I'm in town? I'm already booked Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday evenings, possibly Thursday eve, and all day Friday, but daytimes/lunches are mostly open.

From: [identity profile]

OK - we'll see what we can do. BTW did you know [ profile] murson and Mrs Murson were back in town?

From: [identity profile]

Well,I'm at St Andrew's House (Calton hill) tomorrow and will need to get some lunch somewhere around the east end?

From: [identity profile]

I'll phone ya if you let me know your daytime number when you have one :)

From: [identity profile]

Hi there - found this through Andy's link. This is awesome. I'd love to find the "Old School Goth that spins vinyl" club. I went somewhere last week that said they were "Rock, Punk and Metal" downstairs, and "Emo, Dance, and Party" upstairs. The only difference I could see was that the upstairs seemed younger and whinier. I had a hard time pinning down the downstairs genre as anything other than "loud". I also don't understand a DJ that can play "Du Hast" and "Poison" in the same set.

I sound old.

Anyway, cheers, I've added you as a friend because this is too funny.

From: [identity profile]

I'd love to find the "Old School Goth that spins vinyl" club

gigantor ( ;)

..although we're prolly more of a '90s alternative' kinda 'hing than an 'old school goth' kinda 'hing.

From: [identity profile]

No you're the "We spin vinyl" = our DJs are damn good!!

From: [identity profile]

Glad to cause amusement! I can't promise all my posts are this funny....


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